Ahh….what would life be without the little bumps in the road (or oily dust in the damn parking lot) to remind you just how good life is when things are rolling along smoothly?

Ok, here comes the part when I out myself as a first-class Hubbard by revealing to you that I stacked it the 2nd day at camp doing our individual rider photos.

Yeah, I hit the deck in front of my new teammates and sprained ( I hope it’s only a sprain!) my shoulder while looping around for the obligatory ” corner lean” shot . Classic T-Bird if there ever was some.

What’s the big deal? So what if I can’t lift my right arm enough to even wash the ol’ undercarraige after a day in the saddle? Who needs a right arm anyhow?

On the bright side, I’m gettin’ some “strange”  from lefty in the spank-tank these days….oooops, did I say that out loud?

What else? Hmmm…

Cool teammates, sweet new rig, a trip to the wind-tunnel (word on the street is “high and tight” is the new “low and stretched”…you heard it here) and lots of that sweet Calipornia sunshine.

Anyhow, it’s starting to wind-down now. One more day of hard riding then it’s some sponsor-stuff and back to Smog-Lake.

Awright, I gotta run. We’ve got a surprise B-Day party scheduled for Caleb Manion….I seem to remember what 26 felt like…fleeting memories of limberness, nimbleness and not knowing what people meant when they said so and so had “Salt and Pepper” hair…

Those were the days…

Ah, yes. I’m back from an extended haitus. Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure of a return at all, but whatdya know, here I am.

I can’t really put my finger on the exact impetus for it all, but I suspect it had something to do with taking myself too seriously. Yep, big-time party foul.

Anyhow, I think I just may have regained enough inner slapstick to give er another go….so, here goes…..

Hangin’ with the new squad today, doing team photos consisting of the usual standing on beach in Malibu adorned in new kit, freezing ass-off for 2 hours and being very thankful that due to proper chamois placement no one will be any wiser to just how cold it was.

Video interviews including first-ever make-up application and (your gonna love this Tiff) make-up artist applying hair gel to unruly T-bird unibrow and asking if I want The Scar covered up….. The Scar…..nothing more than a crease in my cheek I get from sleeping too long on the same side….”No thanks, I’ll keep it, I kinda like the rugged Clint-Eastwoodesquedness of it”……to which she replied with a look that said simply “Riiiiight!”

But here’s the best part. We’ve been asked to also provide a simple one word statement beginning with “My name is ______, and I_______” or some such or the other.  One guy rolled-up and said “HI, I’m Johnny Knoxville and this is Jackass”.  I worked and worked at trying to come up with something worthy..

These didn’t make the cut, but came close..

“Hi, my name is T-bird and when I’m not practicing Fang-Shooie, I’m continually searching for a new Para-Digum”

or “Hi, name is T-Bird and,though, I know it is only rock and roll, I Like It!”

I settled finally on “Hi, my name is T-Bird and my cat can eat a whole watermelon”.

I figure that pretty much summarized anything anyone might need to know about me.

That and one of my favorite song lyrics….” Someone kicked my dog Mabis and I’m gonna find out just who the hell it was/ I’m all messed-up on cough syrup right now, so just, like, nevermind”

 And you thought you missed me.

I’m such a sucker…

I was a little late in getting the program from Coach this week (due no doubt in part to the frenetic energy of the Holidaze) and I no sooner start the week than I get lassoed into riding LouderMan’s program since we’re pretty much inseperable when it comes to bike practice…. Basically, what that means is that I logged 9+ hours on the bike in the last 2 days in sub-freezing temps.

Yesterday we did a nice 20 minute climb mid-ride and after the %#$#ing freezing descent, I took my hands of the bars and noticed a very strange sensation of stiffness that I couldn’t quite pinpoint….then I realzied that all the sweat in my friggin’ jacket had froze as did my whole jacket!

It wasn’t just my jacket that was effected, either. I tried to suck down a gel at one point and found myself literally chewing on not only gel, but the water I tried to chase it with!

It was all actually pretty funny and I made vague plans of taking a picture of the jacket standing stiff on it’s own at the ride’s conclusion, but a hot shower ended up winning out quick-like.

Anyhow, the inversion is back in the Salt Lake Valley again today and rather than subject our lungs to the Hemi and Cummins air filtration systems, we’re gonna strap on the snowshoes and hit the high country, hopefull that we don’t find a similar fate to what prompted the closing of Big Cottonwood Canyon yesterday afternoon as we rode past and surveyed quite the assemblage of cherries and berries.

Well, that’s about all from Lake Snowbegone.

May you stay warm and not know the pleasures of a froze-up water bottle….

I wonder what The Mop is doing right now?

Somehow, word spreads very fast in this little cycling community that is Utahpia.

I no more than towel-off after Wed’s debacle, and cozy up to the CPU to see what’s going on in the Blog world, than I see “This just in: T-bird stranded on side of road!” to which someone replied….”That’s what he gets for slagging on X-Mas!”…

Ouch. That’s a cold shot.

Funny enough, Christmas was one of the many things that was swimming round my severely fragmented internal hard-drive as I was shivvering on said side of road. I had recently passed a House of Worship whose lit and lettered advert reminded passersby “Jesus wasn’t born under your Christmas Tree!”

I say “Amen” to that.

Everyone knows Jesus wasn’t actually born under a Christmas Tree, he was just placed there afterwards. Duh.

Joking aside, it’s not so much Christmas that irritates me, per se, but the ugly parade of grotesque commercialism that it accompanies. I mean for X-sakes, just because you gotta git to the local Wally-World and flick someone for a parking spot doesn’t mean you gotta nearly mow me down in the process, eh?

Seriously, I didn’t sign-up to become part of the Wreathe you’re rollin’ on your H-2’s grille, nor do I want to be in a position to be close enough to stop your Spinners with my tongue.

I have an idea….how bout a “Critical Mass” Holidays style?

We take to the streets, the front-row would be a wall of Elve’s to serve as protection.

Who’s got the heart to take out an Elf?

I had to ask…

I shoulda quit you babe, such a looooong time ago, but you left me here with my troubles down on this killin’ flo….

Yes, it was one of those days.

A dark day. And I’m not just talking about the weather, either.

Nope.

I had to pull the “bail-out” card for the first time in well over 10 years as best as I can make it. You know, what we in the buissiness refer to as “The Call of Shame”.

I got my first flat about 25 minutes into the ride. No big. Change it, get rollin’ again. Bussiness as usual.

The second gave me pause for thought… I’m still closer to home than not and I’m out of tubes. Ah, lackaday what’r the chances, I mean, really?

Sure enough, at near ride’s zenith the spongey bounce of rear wheel and….sheeeeit.

So, near as I can figure it’s at least 7 clicks to the nearest bike shop. This is far from the first time I’ve ridden a flat for such a stretch and it surely won’t be the last….except I’m on my cross bike and the fatty tire won’t hold the rim. Oh, did I mention I’m on loaned carbon clinchers?

Enter stage right the “Call of Shame”.  Good Buddy can’t pick me up, but his right-hand can…..Damnit, callin’ in a solid with someone who’s already given me more than his share. This is gonna hurt.

Did I neglect to mention it had drizzled all day and I was soaked-to-the-bone and covered head to toe in mud from riding through a construction zone? Oh yeah.

48 minutes leaned against my ride and the hypothermia starts callin. Can’t do it. Can’t stand here any longer. There was significant shrinkage.

Back on the bike, too cold to give a flying what-have-you about the rims, the ride, or anything, really.

Right-Hand and I finally connect and 30 minutes later I’m in too-hot shower doing my best Jack Nicholson Easy Rider impersonation.

“Nih, Nih, Nih, Fu, Fu Fu……Swaaaaamp!”

A “Big Up Yourself” to Chris… I owe ya one.

It’s that most wonderful time of the year…….

No. I’m not talking about the time of year when bicycles riders see thier live’s flash before thier very eyes nearly every meter as they’re completely disregarded by an unending stream of Yukon’s, Expeditions, H2’s and 3’s, alas even Prius and Echo, whose pilot’s are far too busy imputing text on thier Gucci phones to mind the two-wheeled nuisances blocking thier blinkerless right and left hand turns….

Well, yes, though it is that time of year, I’m reffering to the time when wheelman become not just rolling hazzards in brightly colored lyrca, but Dragons in a great soup….!!!

That’s right, The Inversion is here. Praise be to W.

What this all means is that bike riders in their infinite greeness will be driving in droves to higher elevations where the air is clear and crisp to become nuisance for Rover, Beemer and Benz.

And you thought Park City was a madhouse during Sundance….

Ok, so my mind was set to wanderin’ a bit today and it went tangent hunting as it often does..

For some reason, I started thinking about all the songs I wish Wierd Al Yankovick would remake on his next album…..some of them are particular to the bike rider’s way of life and some, well some…well you be the judge…

Here’s what I came up..

1.The Doors Riders on the Storm seems particularly in need of a makeover for the poor, downtrodden professional cyclist who finds himself hunkered down indoors on a rainy/snowy day..

I give you…..”Riders surfing Porn”  It’s pretty much self explanatory .

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2. For Der Kaiser, who seemingly has a spot of trouble in the offseason keepin the waistline in check, I have not one, but two… The White Stripes The Hardest Button to Button and Willie Nelson’s classic On the Road Again becomes “Ala Mode Again”…I just can’t wait for….

Ah, poor Jan.

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3. The final of the cycling related Trilogy will be for all those poor, duped and framed riders involved with Operacion Puerto who were unkowingly infused with….well I’ll stop there. I give you a remake of Jimi Hendrix’ famous Purple Haze….lyrics follow

Purple Haze all in my viens/ Lately things just don’t feel the same/ Winnin’ races and I don’t know why/ ‘Scuze me while I drop this guy!

Ok, moving right along…

4. A tribute to one of my favorite films glorifying the simplicity of good ol’ backwoods living…none other than Deliverance. For this one I have selected Jane’s Addiction “Been Caught Stealin’“, which now becomes “Been Caught Squeelin’”

 I like you a lott!